Selling your Soul

Lately I've been wondering why I bother turning up to work. In fact why do this job at all. The amount of grief I've (not just me) been taking over this past 2 or so months is really getting to me now. Thou I know that grief from a company is common and you will always get a level of it no matter where you work I'm pretty certain the levels I'm getting here are on a pretty exceptional level.

After reading a mail off another friend of mine, it really sparked me off thinking the above mentioned. Why Bother. I guess its down to the old evil of money. I'm a firm believer of the saying "money can't buy you happiness, but it can get you damn close" And despite what some people can say about this industry, the money is there to be made if you make the right moves. The past year of so of my life has shown me the blindingly obvious fact. Money solves alot of problems. But in chasing this cash, as with all things there is a cost. For me the cost is, having next to no contact with any family, even immediate family. Having no fixed home to go to. Having less friends than fingers on my hand. Being stuck in a boring hot dust bowl. Taking large levels of grief from work. Not knowing how long I will stay employed for. Not knowing where I will be next year or what I will be doing. The list could go on forever.

I envy some of my friends with predictable 9 to 5, Monday to Friday jobs. But deep inside I know if I were back in their shoes I would rather take the plunge and be as I am now. Just so I can go towards my ultimate goal, work like a bitch for the next decade of my life, cream the cash, find a nice corner of this planet to settle down and say up yours to the world and do whatever the hell I want to. And how much money would be considered enough to cover this loss of home, quality of life, friends, time and security? Is all this sacrifice really worth it?

I Bloody hope so, cos I'm probably a lil too far in to go backing out now.

Square peg, round hole

Firstly, got that sinking feeling I'm being buggered again. Way things are seeming to pan out over here, points toward me having to fork out for my trip back to the UK as well as not being able to take my leave as they are still disputing it all with me. Its all just getting to me. I just long for a place where everything is laid out, straight forward and logical. Oh and a lil sympathetic understanding wouldn't hurt a bit either.

Been feeling for a while now that I've never really fitted in. Its been some thing that has always been in the back of my mind. But lately its been playing a lil more. Mainly due to reading a blog of a good friend. Also my current environment can't help but force the issue in my face.

Firstly with my immediate colleagues in Zurich. I guess its understandable due to the language barrier and the fact I am the new face so I'll never really mesh that well so soon. But also with my long time colleagues I just don't seem to fit. Guess alot comes into it. Interests, for one, alot of things that interest me, bore the pants off everyone else, and vice versa. Then there are things that I find amusing that next to no one else gets. I also get that a good deal of the isolation I feel is due to me being me. I would much rather spend time alone than in a group discussing pointless issues and pushing small talk. Tis true I should make more effort to integrate but to be honest I really can't be bothered. I'd rather me be me, rather than put on a smile and an act just to get into the "group" so to speak.

I always have the nagging feeling I should change my behaviour as its not the best to have and being like that has gotten me into problems throughout my life. My life in the Army certainly taught me that lesson. But I really hate every minute of pretending to be who I am not. I' much rather be me and be a lil less popular than be a square peg forced into a round hole.

Makin the best

Well half way thru my stay here in Zurich. Things haven't really changed. But now with the added worry that they wont pay for my change of flight back to base or back to the UK. So I might end up forking out £300 in fees for changing flights. But worse case I might lose my free flight to the UK and end up paying a grand. Fingers crossed it all gets sorted, probably minutes before the final hour of my final day here. Its becoming such a common thing now it shouldn't really phase me anymore.

Been moved off panel removal at work and placed on slightly more interesting jobs like working on engines and testing airframe systems. Still on totally the wrong aircraft then wat I am supposed to be working on but, well its a move in the right direction.

Just gotta remember that I am getting a good opportunity to explore a country I otherwise would have probably never visited. And the place is great, even if the weather isn't really. Been taking every moment that I have off to visit somewhere new. Just getting the most outta my time here. Cos i Know if I don't then my stay here truly would be a complete and utter waste of my time.