Useless lil shit
Feelin pretty shitty today. And for once, after a bit of introspection I kinda know why. Basically the overall feeling is... I suck, I am mediocre at best but on the whole not particularity good at anything. I rate myself as a pretty average mechanic and an O-K certifier. As a driver I am a "ride by the seat of my pants" kind of driver at best and on the whole pretty crap. As a gamer I suck. Either I play a game slow and safe, read as boring and dull, or I play reckless and get fragged by a bunch of 12yr olds.
The above is my default status. After many years alive I have learnt things about myself. 1 of them is that if left unchecked I can be a smug, cocky, gobby lil shit. So to avoid such things I keep myself down mentally. Constantly comparing against those I view as good at what they do. And at the same time dismissing any praise coming my way as some kind of mixup/ mistake. Thing is after so many years of putting myself down, it has become sub conscious, and thus a default. Only way I can keep myself off this self inflicted low is to, on a regular basis prove to myself that I am not that crap. It is also the way I try to make my lazy self improve everyday. Pushing myself to constantly be better.
Usually this involves completing some kind of personal challenge. The staples of which would be tackling a challenging piece of winding road or clocking a good lap while on the track. Or completing a game on its hardest setting in less than 24hrs. Or fixing a plane up to a good standard in a short time frame. And if its not 1 of those staples it would be doing something different in life, like a road trip or some home DIY, working on the car, building up a computer, you get the picture. Also my default state is self compounding. Meaning if I reach that state and instead of getting positive results put out, I start making mistakes and messing up, I am twice as hard on myself. In case you didn't guess today is 1 of those days.
Herein lies the root of my problem. Firstly I don't have a car here in which I feel safe pushing to the limits. Thus no way to mentally pick myself up that way. Also my xbox has died for the 4th time, so that avenue is out too. And as work is 5 days a week I don't have enough days off to try something different or do anything too taxing, so that won't do either. Only way I have left to boost my prematurely stunted self confidence is to essentially achieve a "good days work"
And that, right there is the problem. Everyday I leave work, I ask myself what did I achieve. Usually the answer is fuck all. Or at least fuck all compared to what I used to achieve. Ok so alot of that fuck all is due to factors beyond my control. But at the end of the day when my sub conscious gets that daily report and sees so little being done, it breaks out the mental bitch slap. It is actually starting to be quite a concern to me. Everyday I wake up and actually dread what I will encounter at work. The last time I had that same emotion in me I almost just stopped showing up for work. I say almost because, luckily I managed to get another job before I pulled a no show, so I handed in my notice instead.
With here, I keep telling myself its early days yet and to keep on, as things should take a turn for the better. But right now that shitty useless feeling is still there and with work looming just 7 hours away, its tough to see the bright side.
The above is my default status. After many years alive I have learnt things about myself. 1 of them is that if left unchecked I can be a smug, cocky, gobby lil shit. So to avoid such things I keep myself down mentally. Constantly comparing against those I view as good at what they do. And at the same time dismissing any praise coming my way as some kind of mixup/ mistake. Thing is after so many years of putting myself down, it has become sub conscious, and thus a default. Only way I can keep myself off this self inflicted low is to, on a regular basis prove to myself that I am not that crap. It is also the way I try to make my lazy self improve everyday. Pushing myself to constantly be better.
Usually this involves completing some kind of personal challenge. The staples of which would be tackling a challenging piece of winding road or clocking a good lap while on the track. Or completing a game on its hardest setting in less than 24hrs. Or fixing a plane up to a good standard in a short time frame. And if its not 1 of those staples it would be doing something different in life, like a road trip or some home DIY, working on the car, building up a computer, you get the picture. Also my default state is self compounding. Meaning if I reach that state and instead of getting positive results put out, I start making mistakes and messing up, I am twice as hard on myself. In case you didn't guess today is 1 of those days.
Herein lies the root of my problem. Firstly I don't have a car here in which I feel safe pushing to the limits. Thus no way to mentally pick myself up that way. Also my xbox has died for the 4th time, so that avenue is out too. And as work is 5 days a week I don't have enough days off to try something different or do anything too taxing, so that won't do either. Only way I have left to boost my prematurely stunted self confidence is to essentially achieve a "good days work"
And that, right there is the problem. Everyday I leave work, I ask myself what did I achieve. Usually the answer is fuck all. Or at least fuck all compared to what I used to achieve. Ok so alot of that fuck all is due to factors beyond my control. But at the end of the day when my sub conscious gets that daily report and sees so little being done, it breaks out the mental bitch slap. It is actually starting to be quite a concern to me. Everyday I wake up and actually dread what I will encounter at work. The last time I had that same emotion in me I almost just stopped showing up for work. I say almost because, luckily I managed to get another job before I pulled a no show, so I handed in my notice instead.
With here, I keep telling myself its early days yet and to keep on, as things should take a turn for the better. But right now that shitty useless feeling is still there and with work looming just 7 hours away, its tough to see the bright side.
posted by Spectre26 at
17:07
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